Conviction
by SkeletonTree
Summary: James and Lily go over a recurring problem - Severus Snape


_I do not own Harry Potter, all characters belong to JK Rowling_.

I don't really know why I wrote this. I think the relationship between James-Lily-Snape has always interested me insofar as their rivalry and Lily's conflicted emotions between two important men in her life.

I don't nessecarily agree with my portrayal here but I wanted to capture a weak moment with Lily where James is the support. I also wanted to write something about James' feelings towards Snape post-school.

Anyway, enjoy.

P.S: **This fic' has no reference to SnapexLily, only a reflection on their childhood friendship.**

* * *

Lily had been perched on the window sill in the living room for the good part of an hour. She had returned from work early and immediately discarded her formal robes in favour of her most comfortable pyjama bottoms and a simple t-shirt. She had been watching the mundane street below, finding comfort in the lives of strangers as they went about their business, unaffected by the war raging on behind veiled magical doorways. She gazed off down the end of the road, wanting to put her head through the window so that she could see around the corner; half expecting James to be sauntering down the road looking incredibly pleased with his Sainsbury's carrier bag, full of completely random choices of food. She couldn't help but smile fondly at the prompted memory.

She didn't know why she was watching, he'd Floo back from wherever the hell he was that day. Except, he wasn't coming back for another three days and he had been gone four. The flat was in slight disarray and she had been working as a temporary nurse at St Mungo's. She had Order missions on top of that but she had always been one who never stopped. She didn't want to stop at the moment, at fear of slipping into the deep festering thoughts. The long hours at the hospital meant that she'd come home exhausted and as a result, the kitchen was beginning to get out of hand and her clothes decorated the miss-matched furniture around the small flat.

This was the first evening she had had off that week and she didn't feel like doing anything to mark the occasion. Instead she got off the window and padded bare foot across the room to the small, pokey kitchen. The light was bright as she flicked it on and made her way over to the fridge. James had bought a bottle of white wine home the weekend before, intending to open it with a meal that they never got round to having. She picked it up by the slender, smooth neck and set it down on the side; fetching a glass from the cupboard.

* * *

She rarely drunk and she'd never really drunk alone before. But nevertheless, here she was curled up on the sofa with an almost-finished glass and a poorly-attempted-almost-full bottle of wine, flicking through old photographs from Hogwarts. She did this every now and again when James was away; it comforted her to be reminded of the good old days that seemed so far gone now. War had changed them all and as she looked down at the unstressed, happy faces of her younger self and friends, she was faced with how much they had grown up since leaving.

She stopped on a picture of her and Severus in Third Year. She looked at it thoughtfully, taking a deep swig of her wine. She couldn't remember the last time they smiled at each other. She remembered the last time she had seen him however. Two months ago in a field in the middle of Somerset. He had sent a curse hurling at Alice and she, Lily had managed to deflect it before Alice could defend herself. Their eyes had met, his grey pools of contempt squinting at her in the dark. She remembered being momentarily struck by the look and although he made no move against her, it didn't stop her from shooting a panicked hex before sprinting off with the rest of her companions. James was not present that time; she had never mentioned it to him either. The atmosphere whenever Severus was brought up became increasingly tense. It had not let up since leaving Hogwarts, if anything it was worse. James despised Severus as a follower of Voldemort, as did everyone but she couldn't help a moment of annoyance for his lack of understanding. She bit back defences for which she had no conviction. She still could not accept that Severus was a Death Eater.

* * *

He had found her asleep when he came through the fireplace in an instant of green flames. He was still a little damp from the rain in Nottingham, but luckily he remained unscathed from that small kafuffle with Avery. He was home a few days early and was deeply appreciative of the chance to spend some time with his soon-to-be wife. He considered waking her as he stepped into the room. She was curled up on the sofa, her red hair cascading over the arm where her head lay peacefully. He noted the empty bottle and glass on the coffee table and Lily's special box of photographs. This made him heave a sigh; it was never a good sign when Lily got out the photographs. She would get sad as she flicked through and think back on all the protected days at Hogwarts. The days when he and the boys were completely invincible and nothing could hurt them. She looked at him sometimes and he could tell that she was savouring the moment because her biggest worry was now whether he would come back alive or not. He shared her fears and held her close on nights that they were together.

In the end he passed the sofa and leant over to place a small kiss to her temple before stroking a stray hair back from her face. She stirred ever so slightly and he smiled. As she shifted a little in her dozing state, he noticed a crumpled old photograph in her outstretched hand that hung idly from the sofa. He tilted his head and strained his already appalling eyesight to make it out. He instantly recognised the comparative pale and sharp features of Snape as a boy, smiling meekly up with his arm around Lily. James wasn't going to lie to himself, every image or reference to Him caused an irrational build-up of hatred.

He turned eventually and made for the kitchen, dumping his cloak and wand on the round wooden table in the corner of the pokey room. He paused for a moment and heaved a deep sigh. Suddenly overwhelmed with unpleasant nostalgia, he ran a hand back through his hair and chewed his lower lip thoughtfully. Severus Snape was a shadow that had been in James' life since the first year of Hogwarts. Not only because of his relationship with Lily, but because he stood for everything James knew he would eventually turned out to be. Except he couldn't escape the nagging feeling of doubt, that Snape possessed a trace of humanity. It disturbed him that Lily's influence had etched into his arrogant resolve over their bitter conflict.

In ways he felt relieved that he had chosen the other side. It would have been harder to work with him than it was to fight against him. He knew that Lily acted indifferent about Snape in front of him and their friends but the look in her eye betrayed a deep remorse and it filled him with guilt. It was his fault that she felt like that. It was his fault that she had to make an eventual choice between the two of them. Ironically, he thought, it was saving the insolent bugger that changed Lily's perception of him in the first place.

He had been thinking about this as he idly reached for a mug and flicked on the kettle. He was staring off out of the window which was obscured by the net curtain. He reached up and rubbed the rough jawline and reminded himself that he needed a shave.

* * *

It hadn't been a pleasant dream, Lily thought as she woke up on the sofa. Her eyes focusing on the empty wine glass on the coffee table in front of her and the open box beside it. She had dreamt of the doe again. It was crying as before, stood this time in a dimly lit cobbled street in some unremarkable village that could've been anywhere. It did not move, but continued to make a soft whine as wet tears blinked from its large, walnut eyes. This particular dream had come to her often recently, always a doe crying in some obscure location. Eventually, she sat up, feeling immensely lightheaded. As she made to stand she became aware of the sharp crunched edges of the photograph in her hand. She gave it a moment's glance, already remembering what it was and set it back on top of the pile in the box. She didn't want to think about Severus anymore, she didn't even know why she looked at it in the first place. She shut the lid and immediately stiffened; recognising the smell of Floo powder and recently diminished flames. Her ears pricked the sound of shifting feet on lino floor and a tinkling of a spoon against a mug.

"James?" She called out, her voice shook a little. Her stomach was swooping with delight if it was, and wretched with terror that it might not be.

After a moment, he came to the doorway with a mug in his hand. He was smiling, but it didn't mask how exhausted he looked. His hair was dishevelled as ever and there was a rip in his trousers. She made to get up so that she could tend to whatever wound there was but he raised a hand and stopped her.

"It's okay, it's just a scratch." He made his way across the lounge and around the sofa, plonking himself down before she could say anything. "Avery's got bloody quick all of a sudden." He sipped his tea gingerly and made forward, placing it on the table. His head was still mulling over Snape and he eyed the box on the table as he sunk back against the cushions. "So, been taking a stroll down memory lane have we?" He grinned at her, though it was strained.

"I was just looking for a photograph of me and Amelia actually. I was going to send it to her." She lied, she didn't know why.

"Ah" He said, raising a brow. "…I've got to say though, that picture you had in your hand looked an awful lot like Snape. I never thought Amelia was that unattractive." It was a joke, an entirely unnecessary one.

"James, don't."

"Don't what?"

"Don't make snide comments at me, you're obviously annoyed that I was looking at a picture of Severus and myself."

"How absurd, why would I think that?" He knew perfectly well why, but he was always like this, irrationally jealous of their history, that someone knew Lily better than he did. He reached for his tea as something to distract him from facing the redhead who was probably all blazing eyes by now.

"Why do you have to be like this all the time? It's just a photograph!" Her voice was shrill and she didn't know if it was the wine that was making her so defensive.

"If it's 'just a photograph' why are you holding onto it still? Surely it has no meaning to you anymore!" He snapped back at her, glancing over awkwardly as she got up suddenly and picked up the box, cradling it in her arm.

"Because whether you like it or not, James, he was a part of my life and he was my friend. I have a right to keep pictures of who I please."

James stared at her for a moment; he was instantly reminded of their days arguing at school. How furious she got over absolutely nothing. Not that this was nothing. They rarely fought these days though, perhaps because they saw so little of each other. He didn't really want to fight now, he wanted to have a bath and go to bed.

"Well fine, Lils. You want to keep photographs of a nasty little worm who _betrayed your friendship and trust and is responsible for the deaths of several innocent wizards_ then be my bloody guest." He waved his hand for dramatic effect, almost dismissing her.

"You know what? You're a bloody arrogant sod. When are you going to grow up?"

James leapt to his feet, ignoring the hot tea that had sloshed from the side of mug and splattered onto his sock. He glared at her dangerously. "When are you going to realise that I AM grown up, this is who I am Lily! I don't compromise for people like him and you shouldn't either! He's a Death Eater!" He looked down at her, standing a good four inches taller.

Lily's mouth opened and closed for a moment, she had no conviction and she knew that. She knew he was right and she shouldn't still hold onto this childish loyalty. But, she held those years close to her heart and James was never going to accept that. As for being grown up however, he still had a bit to do.

"You think everything's so black or white!" She snapped pathetically.

"You think you can save everyone." His reply was quiet and gentle. She looked up at him, surprised. He was putting the mug down on the table again. He turned back to her, placing his hands on her shoulders as if to keep her from running off angrily. "Lily, I know how big your heart is. But, you can't keep hold of this forever. He's gone, he made his decision and he's done nothing to warrant your compassion."

It would never cease to amaze her how little persuasion she needed to agree with him. He knew the right things to say to make her see sense and to break her stubborn resolve over something that she knew she was wrong about. At least, in her mind it was wrong. She nodded in silent defeat and allowed James to pull her against his chest so that his arms went around her tightly. She felt his fingers glide through her hair as his chest heaved a breath.

"I don't want to fight about this anymore. I want to leave it in the past where it belongs." He spoke softly and she felt a sense of calmness settle over them finally. She moved her free arm around him and rested her temple against his chest.

"Then we'll leave it there." She spoke firmly, confirming her sudden decision aloud. She would leave Severus in the past where he had evidently left her and she would not dwell on it again. She would do it for James' sake and for their happiness. She didn't want the past overshadowing their future anymore.

James smiled down at his bride-to-be and cupped her cheek with his hand. He was pleased and was more than happily ready to move on into the next chapter of their lives.

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